Stress Is Part of Life — But It Doesn’t Have to Control Your Life

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Stress is something almost everyone experiences.

It doesn't matter how successful you are, how organized you are, how disciplined you are, or how carefully you plan your life. There will be moments when everything seems to arrive at the same time.

Work needs your attention.

Bills need to be paid.

Something at home needs to be taken care of.

Someone needs something from you.

There is an appointment you almost forgot.

There is a problem you didn't expect.

Then there are all the things you want to accomplish for yourself.

Suddenly, even one small additional problem can feel enormous.

We sometimes think the answer is to work harder, stay up later, move faster and somehow get everything under control.

But that can create even more stress.

Over the years, I have come to look at stress differently.

Stress is part of life. We probably can't eliminate it completely, and I'm not sure that should even be the goal.

What we can learn is how to recognize it, respond to it and prevent it from controlling every part of our lives.

Sometimes the problem isn't that we have too much to do.

The problem is that we are trying to deal with everything at the same time.

Your Mind Needs Space Too

Think about a room in your home.

If you keep bringing things into that room without ever organizing or removing anything, eventually the room becomes cluttered.

Our minds can become cluttered in much the same way.

We carry tomorrow's problems today.

We replay yesterday's mistakes.

We think about something that needs to be done next week while trying to finish something that needs to be done right now.

And sometimes we worry about things that haven't even happened.

What if this happens?

What if that doesn't work?

What if I don't finish?

What if I make the wrong decision?

Before long, your body may be sitting in one place while your mind is running in ten different directions.

That's exhausting.

Sometimes the first thing we need to do is stop trying to solve everything at once.

What Actually Needs Your Attention Today?

When I have many things to do, it can be tempting to look at the entire list.

That's when everything begins to feel overwhelming.

Instead, ask a much simpler question:

What actually needs my attention today?

Not next week.

Not next month.

Today.

Maybe there are ten things on your list, but only two really need to be completed today.

Take care of those two.

Tomorrow you can deal with something else.

This is something I think many of us forget.

You don't have to solve everything today. You just have to decide what deserves your attention today.

That simple change in thinking can remove a surprising amount of pressure.

Not Everything Is an Emergency

Technology has changed our perception of urgency.

Our phones beep.

Emails arrive.

Messages appear.

Social media notifications demand attention.

Someone calls.

Someone sends a text and expects a response.

Something happens at work and suddenly it feels as though everything must be handled immediately.

But does it?

We need to learn the difference between something that is important and something that is simply interrupting us.

They are not the same thing.

Not every email needs an immediate answer.

Not every message needs an immediate response.

Not every notification deserves your attention.

And not every problem belongs to you.

Sometimes reducing stress begins with giving ourselves permission not to react instantly to everything around us.

Stress Can Come From Good Things Too

We often associate stress with bad events.

But even good things can create stress.

Planning a vacation can be stressful.

Starting a new job can be stressful.

Buying a home can be stressful.

Preparing for a wedding can be stressful.

Starting a business can be stressful.

Creating something you care deeply about can be stressful.

Trying to reach an important personal goal can be stressful.

The presence of stress doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.

Sometimes it simply means something matters to us.

The important question becomes:

Is this stress helping me prepare and act, or is it beginning to control me?

That distinction matters.

Discipline Doesn't Mean Pushing Yourself Constantly

I talk often about discipline and consistency.

Discipline is important.

Consistency is important.

Keeping the promises you make to yourself is important.

But there is another side of discipline that we don't talk about enough.

Discipline also means knowing when to stop.

There comes a point when another hour of work isn't productive.

You are tired.

You are frustrated.

You keep looking at the same problem without finding the answer.

You read the same sentence three times.

You make mistakes you normally wouldn't make.

At that point, continuing isn't necessarily discipline.

Sometimes the disciplined decision is to step away for a while.

For me, a two-mile run can completely reset me. I can leave the house carrying the stress of the day, and by the time I finish those two miles, I feel almost new again. The problem may not have disappeared, but my mind is clearer, my energy is different, and I am ready to look at things again from a fresh perspective.

For you, it might not be running.

It could simply be a walk.

Maybe it's a walk around your neighborhood, a few minutes outside, working in the garden, riding a bicycle, or anything else that gets you away from the problem and gives your mind some breathing room.

The distance doesn't matter. The activity doesn't matter. What matters is finding something that helps you reset.

Sometimes the disciplined decision is to close the computer.

Put down the phone.

Go outside.

Have a cup of tea.

Listen to some music.

Spend time with your family.

Get some sleep.

Then come back.

That isn't giving up.

It is giving yourself an opportunity to recover.

Sometimes stepping away is exactly what allows you to come back stronger.

Don't Confuse Rest With Quitting

There is an important difference between taking a break and abandoning something.

Imagine you're climbing a mountain.

You stop for five or ten minutes.

You take your backpack off.

You drink some water.

You eat something.

You catch your breath.

Have you quit the hike?

Of course not.

You are preparing yourself to continue.

Life isn't very different.

Sometimes we need to stop long enough to regain our energy and perspective.

Rest can actually be part of consistency.

If you push yourself until you are completely exhausted, eventually you may stop altogether.

But when you learn to rest and return, you can keep going much longer.

Rest isn't the opposite of discipline. Sometimes rest is what makes discipline possible.

Find Your Way of Stepping Away

I have learned that one of the best ways for me to deal with stress is to physically step away from whatever is causing it.

Sometimes I run.

Sometimes I take my road bike out for a long ride.

Once I am riding, something interesting happens.

My attention changes.

I'm thinking about the road.

I'm thinking about my surroundings.

I'm thinking about safety.

I'm listening to the music in my ears.

I'm feeling the movement of the bike and concentrating on the rhythm of the ride.

For that period of time, the problem that seemed so important an hour earlier is no longer occupying every corner of my mind.

When I come back, the problem may still be there.

But I am different.

My mind is clearer.

My energy has changed.

Sometimes I return and think:

What was I so stressed about?

I wrote about this before in my article about balancing my 9-work and personal life.

Over time, I have learned that protecting exercise, sleep, personal time and the things I enjoy isn't separate from being disciplined.

It is part of discipline.

Your way of stepping away doesn't have to be running or cycling.

It might be gardening.

It might be walking.

It might be cooking.

It might be reading.

It might be sitting outside with a cup of tea.

It might be photography.

It might be working on something creative.

It might simply be sitting somewhere quietly for a while.

The activity isn't really the point.

The important thing is giving your mind somewhere else to go.

Protect Your Sleep

There is another boundary I have learned to take seriously:

sleep.

I protect seven uninterrupted hours whenever possible.

During those hours, work can wait.

The phone can wait.

Email can wait.

Most problems can wait.

That might sound simple, but protecting sleep requires discipline.

When we are stressed, sacrificing sleep to gain another hour or two can seem productive.

We tell ourselves:

I'll just finish this.

Then something else appears.

Then another thing.

Suddenly it is much later than we intended.

The problem is that tomorrow still arrives.

Now we have the same responsibilities, but we are trying to handle them with a tired mind.

Tasks that would normally be manageable can feel much harder when we are exhausted.

So sometimes dealing with stress doesn't require doing more.

Sometimes it means saying:

That's enough for today. I'll deal with the rest tomorrow.

Sometimes You Need to Change the Plan

Stress can also be information.

Sometimes stress is telling us that the way we are doing something isn't working.

Maybe we have taken on too much.

Maybe our schedule is unrealistic.

Maybe we need help.

Maybe we need to say no to something.

Maybe we need to organize things differently.

Maybe the goal is still right, but our approach isn't.

That doesn't mean we failed.

I have said this before when talking about discipline:

You can change the road without changing the destination.

If the road you chose is constantly creating unnecessary pressure, why keep taking the same road simply because that was your original plan?

Adjust.

Learn.

Ask questions.

Get advice.

Try something different.

Then continue.

Learn to Say "Not Today"

This can be difficult.

We sometimes feel that everything deserves an immediate response.

It doesn't.

Some things can wait.

Some invitations can be declined.

Some messages don't need an immediate answer.

Some projects can be moved to another day.

And occasionally, something on your list doesn't need to be done at all.

There is nothing wrong with saying:

Not today.

You're not saying never.

You're deciding where your limited time and energy should go.

There is tremendous freedom in realizing that you don't have to say yes to everything.

Learn to Say No

There is another word many people struggle with:

No.

We worry that saying no will disappoint someone.

We worry about appearing selfish.

We worry about what our boss will think.

We worry about what friends or family will think.

So we keep saying yes.

Yes to another responsibility.

Yes to another favor.

Yes to another project.

Yes to another commitment.

Eventually we have given everyone else pieces of our time and wonder why there is none left for ourselves.

You can be kind, helpful and generous without being available for everything.

A respectful no today can sometimes prevent resentment and exhaustion tomorrow.

Work Needs Boundaries

For many people, work is one of the biggest sources of stress.

And modern technology has made the line between work and home increasingly difficult to see.

You can leave the office, but the office follows you home in your pocket.

Email follows you.

Messages follow you.

Meetings follow you.

Deadlines follow you.

I have experienced this myself.

I work in corporate America, and there are times when it can feel as though you are on the clock around the clock.

But over time I learned something important:

If you don't establish some boundaries, work will happily occupy whatever space you give it.

Boundaries don't mean you don't care about your job.

They don't mean you aren't dedicated.

They mean you understand that you are a person before you are an employee.

There is a time to work.

There is a time to sleep.

There is a time to exercise.

There is a time for family.

There is a time for your own interests.

And there is a time when the computer needs to close.

I have a friend on Facebook who works in real estate. There are days when she is extremely busy preparing a house for sale and taking care of everything that comes with her work.

But then, toward the end of the day, she will leave it behind and go hiking — sometimes heading out in the evening when it is almost dusk.

When I first learned that she did this, I was fascinated by it, and I developed a tremendous amount of respect for her.

And she isn't necessarily choosing an easy little walk after work. Sometimes she takes on strenuous hikes.

Think about that.

After a demanding day, instead of allowing work to consume every remaining hour, she makes room for something that matters to her.

I say kudos to her.

There is a lesson in that.

You don't necessarily need to wait for the perfect day, the weekend, your next vacation, or a time when life suddenly becomes less busy.

Sometimes you have to create the boundary yourself.

Close the computer.

Put away the work.

Change your clothes.

Step outside.

And go do something that reminds you there is more to your life than your job.

For her, that happens to be hiking.

For me, it might be a two-mile run or a bike ride.

For you, it could be something completely different.

What matters is that work doesn't automatically receive every hour that remains in your day.

I explored this much more deeply in my article about balancing my work and personal life, because learning to draw those lines has become an important part of how I manage both work and life

Sometimes Stress Comes From Money

We also shouldn't pretend that all stress can be fixed with a walk or a positive attitude.

Financial pressure is real.

Bills are real.

Unexpected expenses are real.

Job insecurity is real.

When the problem is practical, part of the solution needs to be practical too.

If money is causing stress, avoiding the bank statement won't make the problem disappear. Sometimes the first step is simply understanding exactly where you stand.

I have found that managing money becomes much easier when you write down where your money is going.

And I mean actually write it down.

If I spend two dollars, it gets recorded.

Why?

Because those little amounts add up, and they are often the expenses we don't remember at the end of the month.

Once you can see where your money is going, you can start making decisions instead of simply wondering where it went.

Maybe you discover that you are buying Starbucks five times a week.

Do you have to completely stop buying something you enjoy?

No.

Maybe you buy it twice a week instead of five times.

That's a small change. But multiply small changes like that across an entire month and then across an entire year, and they can make a real difference.

Look at everything.

What is coming in?

What is going out?

What needs to be paid first?

What can wait?

What can be reduced?

What are you paying for that you no longer use?

What could you change without making yourself miserable?

This is something I strongly believe:

I can afford some of the things I do not because I am rich, but because I know where my money is going.

There is a big difference.

Managing money doesn't necessarily mean denying yourself everything you enjoy. It means understanding your priorities.

Maybe travel matters to you.

Maybe hiking matters to you.

Maybe you're saving for a house.

Maybe you want to pay off debt.

Maybe you simply want enough money set aside so that an unexpected expense doesn't immediately become a crisis.

When you know what matters to you, you can look at your spending and ask a very simple question:

Is this where I really want my money to go?

You may not solve a financial problem in one afternoon.

But knowing the numbers can replace some of the uncertainty with something much more useful: a plan.

And once you have a plan, a large problem begins to become a series of smaller decisions.

Spend a little less here.

Save a little more there.

Cancel something you don't use.

Plan before you buy.

Keep track of what you spend.

Then continue.

The same principle applies to many kinds of stress.

When something feels enormous, don't just stare at the entire problem.

Break it down.

Turn the giant problem into smaller problems you can actually work on.

Some Stress Comes From Comparing Ourselves With Other People

Social media has made comparison incredibly easy.

Someone has more followers.

Someone built a successful business faster.

Someone bought a beautiful house.

Someone lost weight faster.

Someone is traveling somewhere you want to go.

Someone appears to have the perfect relationship.

Someone seems to have figured everything out.

Then we look at our own lives and wonder:

Why am I not there yet?

But we are comparing our entire life with a small piece of someone else's life.

We see the photograph.

We don't see everything behind it.

We don't know how long they struggled.

We don't know how much debt they have.

We don't know what happened before that success.

We don't know what problems they are dealing with privately.

We don't know how many times they failed.

And most importantly:

Their timeline has nothing to do with ours.

You don't need to keep up with everyone else.

You need to keep moving in the direction that matters to you.

Stop Measuring Your Life by Other People's Timelines

By a certain age, we're told we should have accomplished certain things.

A career.

A house.

A certain income.

A relationship.

Children.

Retirement savings.

Success.

But life rarely follows a perfect schedule.

People change careers.

People start businesses later in life.

People travel for the first time later in life.

People discover passions they never knew they had.

People begin again.

There isn't one correct timeline.

Sometimes a tremendous amount of stress disappears when we stop asking:

Where should I be by now?

and start asking:

Where do I want to go from here?

Don't Carry Tomorrow Twice

Planning is useful.

Worrying isn't always the same thing as planning.

Planning says:

Here is what I will do if this happens.

Worry says:

What if this happens? What if this happens? What if this happens?

Over and over again.

One thing I have learned about planning is this:

Write it down.

I can have a list of things I need to do sitting in my mind all day. I tell myself I will remember everything.

But something interesting happens when I actually write that list down.

Things get completed.

A thought in your head can disappear. Another thought comes along and replaces it. You get busy. The phone rings. Work interrupts you. By the end of the day, that thing you were definitely going to remember is gone.

When you write it down, it becomes real.

You can see it.

You can organize it.

You can decide what comes first.

You can cross it off when it's finished.

And perhaps most importantly, your mind no longer has to keep reminding you about it.

That's one reason I believe journaling can be so powerful.

It doesn't have to mean sitting down every evening and writing pages about your life. Journaling can be a few sentences, an idea, a goal, a problem you're trying to solve, or simply a list of things you want to accomplish.

Sometimes writing something down is the first step toward doing it.

Think about the movie 8 Mile. We see Eminem's character constantly putting thoughts and words down on paper. Those ideas weren't simply left floating around in his head. Writing was part of turning thoughts, frustrations and experiences into something he could actually use.

There is a lesson in that beyond music.

A thought becomes more powerful when you give it somewhere to go.

So when tomorrow is occupying your mind tonight, don't just sit there thinking about everything you need to do.

Write it down.

Make the list.

Write down the problem.

Write down the possible solution.

Write down the first step.

Then give yourself permission to leave it there until tomorrow.

If tomorrow brings a problem, you may have to deal with it tomorrow.

But if you spend today worrying about it, you've experienced the problem twice.

Once in your imagination.

And once when it actually happens.

Prepare where preparation is possible.

Write down what you need to remember.

Make a plan where you can.

Then return your attention to today.

Your mind is a wonderful place for creating ideas. It doesn't have to be the place where you store every one of them.

Take Care of the Simple Things

When life becomes busy, the simplest things are often the first things we neglect.

Sleep.

Food.

Water.

Movement.

Fresh air.

Quiet.

Time away from screens.

Talking with someone.

Doing something simply because we enjoy it.

These things sound almost too simple to mention.

But when stress builds, basics matter.

A walk won't magically make a difficult situation disappear.

A good night's sleep won't pay a bill.

A bicycle ride won't finish a work project.

A cup of tea won't solve a family problem.

But these things may put you in a better state of mind to deal with what comes next.

And sometimes that is exactly what we need.

Don't Let Stress Take Away Everything You Enjoy

One of the dangers of prolonged stress is that it can slowly push enjoyable things out of our lives.

We stop exercising because we're busy.

We stop seeing friends because we're tired.

We stop traveling because work is demanding.

We stop gardening.

We stop cooking.

We stop taking photographs.

We stop going outside.

We stop doing the things that make us feel like ourselves.

Eventually life becomes a cycle of responsibilities.

Wake up.

Work.

Eat.

Sleep.

Then get up and do it all over again.

I've heard Hispanic friends joke about this kind of life: work, eat, sleep — and repeat.

It gets a laugh because so many people recognize themselves in it.

But when you really think about it, that's not where you want to be.

Life can't become nothing more than working so you can pay the bills, eating so you can keep going, sleeping so you can wake up and work again, and repeating the same cycle tomorrow.

That's existing.

It's not really living.

That's why the things you enjoy matter.

A hike matters.

Dinner with friends matters.

A bicycle ride matters.

Working in your garden matters.

Taking photographs matters.

Traveling somewhere you've never been matters.

Sitting outside doing absolutely nothing for a while can matter.

These aren't necessarily rewards you receive only after every responsibility has been completed.

They are part of life itself.

If you tell yourself, I'll enjoy my life once everything is taken care of, you may wait forever.

Because everything will never be completely taken care of.

There will always be another email.

Another bill.

Another project.

Another repair.

Another deadline.

Another problem waiting for your attention.

So make room for the things that make you feel alive while life is happening.

Don't wait for the day when there is nothing left to do.

That day probably isn't coming.

Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat?

No.

There has to be more to life than that.

Talk to Someone

Sometimes stress becomes heavier because we carry it privately.

We don't want to bother anyone.

We don't want to appear weak.

We think we should be able to handle everything ourselves.

But sometimes saying something out loud changes the way we see it.

Talk to your spouse.

Talk to a friend.

Talk to a family member.

Talk to someone you trust.

And if stress is persistent, overwhelming, interfering significantly with daily life, or feels beyond what you can manage, talking with a qualified healthcare or mental-health professional can be an important step.

Asking for help doesn't erase your independence.

Sometimes another person simply helps you see an option you couldn't see while standing in the middle of the problem.

You Have Made It Through Difficult Days Before

When we are in the middle of a stressful situation, it can feel permanent.

But think about some of the things that worried you five years ago.

Where are they now?

Many are gone.

Some were solved.

Some changed.

Some turned out to be much less important than you thought.

Some taught you something.

Some redirected your life.

And some simply became part of your story.

You found your way through them.

That doesn't mean every future problem will be easy.

It means you already have evidence that difficult periods don't necessarily last forever.

Stress Doesn't Always Mean Stop

Sometimes stress is telling you to rest.

Sometimes it's telling you to reorganize.

Sometimes it's telling you to ask for help.

Sometimes it's telling you to say no.

Sometimes it's telling you to change direction.

And sometimes stress simply means:

This is difficult, but keep going.

Learning the difference takes time.

That's where self-awareness becomes important.

Ask yourself:

Am I tired?

Am I overwhelmed?

Am I afraid?

Am I trying to control something I can't control?

Am I doing too much?

Or am I simply facing something difficult that requires patience?

The answer changes what you should do next.

Make Life Smaller When It Feels Too Big

When everything feels like too much, make life smaller for a moment.

Don't think about the entire year.

Don't think about the entire month.

Don't even think about the entire week.

Think about today.

And if today feels overwhelming, think about the next hour.

What is one useful thing you can do?

Do that.

Then ask the question again.

What is the next useful thing?

Do that.

A huge problem becomes less intimidating when you stop staring at the entire mountain and start looking at the next few steps.

One Thing at a Time

I don't believe the goal should be to create a life where nothing stressful ever happens.

That life probably doesn't exist.

There will always be another problem.

Another deadline.

Another unexpected expense.

Another difficult decision.

Another change we didn't plan for.

Another day when things don't go according to plan.

The goal is to become better at deciding what deserves our energy and what doesn't.

Discipline and consistency aren't about living every day perfectly.

They are about continuing.

Sometimes quickly.

Sometimes slowly.

Sometimes confidently.

Sometimes uncertainly.

Sometimes after taking a break.

But continuing.

So when life becomes stressful, remember:

You don't have to solve everything today.

You don't have to answer everyone immediately.

You don't have to keep up with everyone else.

You don't have to follow someone else's timeline.

You don't have to have every answer.

Take care of what matters now.

Protect your sleep.

Move your body.

Step outside.

Talk to someone.

Say no when you need to.

Change the plan when the plan isn't working.

Give yourself permission to rest.

Then get up and continue.

One thing at a time.

One day at a time.

Keep moving forward.

▶️ Listen on Spotify | ▶️ Listen on Apple Podcasts | ▶️ Listen on iHeartRadio

— Fowzer
The Reflective Explorer
#reflectiveexplorer